Sunday, November 25, 2012

Mike Holmes: Canada's Captain America is a spoofy funny website that puts a humorous spin on anything it touches. A while ago, they even Cracked out Mike Holmes. This is an oldie, but a goodie. Here's what Cracked had to say about Mike...

From the website:
When evil, conniving contractors of the Snidely Whiplash variety plunder and prey on innocent renovators, Mike Holmes steps in and delivers a one-two punch of sound advice and feel-good before and after renovation montages.
Mike Holmes: Canada's Captain America
Mike Holmes: Canada's Captain America

Just The Facts
  1. Mike Holmes is the man your father wanted you to be.
  2. Only God can help you if you've violated Ontario building codes in his presence.
  3. Chuck Norris may be the guy in the closet that the boogie man is scared of, but Mike Holmes built the closet. And the house.
  4. Is one reason why HGTV is actually worth watching (just keep telling yourself that).
  5. His wardrobe consists of boots, overalls, and muscle.
  6. Is a perfect, shining of example of all that is right and American in the world and... wait...
  7. He's Canadian. Sunuvabitch.
Mike Holmes: The Man
After World War II, Canada faced a wave of cheap housing, designed and contracted by evil, plotting contractors that laughed in the face of building codes. A hero was needed. The government put together a program. Named HOLMESONHOMES, the program put together the best and brightest of the building industry and the same team that injected Wolverine with Adamantium (they had experience working on Canadians).
Crazy Scientist
Google Image Result for "crazy canadian scientist"
The Canadian government sent into the near future their highly trained team of Time-Traveling Mounties. 

atomic mounties
Canadian Mounties are prepared to deal with any situation, no matter the level of ridiculous
The TTM's (as they shall henceforth be known) obtained the genome of Bob the Builder, and succesfully made it back to Canada. The genome was combined with that of the best mountie in Canada, after he had been selected through a grueling, 12 week-long test of physical and mental stamina, strength, speed and overall gritty manliness.

monty python
Needless to say, these hosers finished dead last.

After much mad cackling over bubbling test tubes, Mike Holmes was released into the world, to unleash order, good judgement and honest construction techniques. After fixing every leaky roof, water-logged basement and faulty electrical box in all ten provinces and three territories, (which he learned to do when he was freaking SIX YEARS OLD) Mike Holmes was not satisfied. No, many a bereaved homeowner still desperately needed help throughout the world, and Mike could hear their cries. He decided to create his own show, and he picked HGTV as being worthy of broadcasting his contractor-shaming shenanigans.

holmes suit
The first and last time Mike Holmes was in a suit was for his meeting with HGTV executives.
HGTV: We're more badass then you think.

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